


O Word of Fear

by rumpelsnorcack



Category: Lovely Little Losers, Nothing Much to Do
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 18:17:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4489848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rumpelsnorcack/pseuds/rumpelsnorcack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Filming 'A Merry Note' causes Balthazar to re-evaluate his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	O Word of Fear

**Author's Note:**

> Rated Teen, mostly for language. I have no idea if this even works given what we know in canon, but the idea got stuck in my head. Involves Balthazar/Damien with background Pedrazar, but is mostly a study of Balthazar's state of mind in December and January. I've called Peter 'Pedro' because in 'A Merry Note' he is still calling himself Pedro so those around him probably do too. Also, it's a bit angsty - been feeling the angst lately.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.  No. No. No.  This was not supposed to happen.

His heart was hammering in his chest, and he was finding it hard to concentrate, even though he knew he wasn’t supposed to feel this way.  Dammit, this was old news.  He even had a boyfriend now, a boyfriend who he … 

Yeah.  

Balthazar stopped short at his thoughts.  He couldn’t bring himself to even think the word ‘love’ in relation to Damien.  Why?  What was wrong with him?  He _liked_ him, of course.  A lot.  A whole lot, and things were going nicely between them.  It was an easy, happy partnership.  They fit together well, and they _were_ happy.

It was just …

Pedro.  Sitting there, singing.  Looking down at Balthazar sometimes, and he could feel his eyes on him even when he wasn’t looking back.  It was very distracting.  Distracting enough to make him almost forget he wasn’t supposed to – what?  To care about Pedro?  No, not that.  He didn’t think he would ever stop caring about him, not after so long.  But he was pretty sure he shouldn’t be feeling _this_ way.  Not when he had a loving boyfriend waiting for him.

He glanced up, saw Pedro’s dimples forming and felt his heart lift.

Fuck. 

Balthazar carefully avoided Pedro’s eyes as much as he could.  As long as he wasn’t looking at him, he was able to hold down these emotions he’d thought were long-buried.  

 _Look away.  Look away.  Look away_ , he told himself sternly.  And he managed it.  Mostly. 

Breathing a huge sigh of relief when they finished.  He refused another take, made hasty excuses and left, then vowed never to sing with Pedro again. 

 

 

He put it out of his mind as much as he could, congratulating himself on getting away from Pedro with his dignity intact.  He focused instead on getting ready for Christmas with Damien.  He had prepared very carefully, ensuring he got him a present he would appreciate but that wasn’t too intimate.  He had been burned too badly by laying his soul bare about Pedro; he held himself distant this time – trying to protect himself from inevitable heartache.  There was no question of a song this time. 

Late on Christmas Day, after a long and tiring day with his own family, Balthazar headed to Damien’s house, gift in hand and a cheerful smile on his face.  But when he knocked on the door, the reception was frosty. 

‘Hey!’ he said when he saw his boyfriend.  However, instead of the usual rapturous welcome, he got a cursory peck on the cheek before being shown into the Lounge where the rest of the family was gathered. 

Unsure what was going on, Balthazar paused in the doorway before he was warmly welcomed in by Damien’s mother.  Still, he perched uneasily on the couch with Damien glowering beside him.  This was close to the most awkward moment Balthazar had ever been involved in.  And that was saying something, considering how many awkward things he’d been involved in and seen put on the internet this year. 

Eventually, Damien suggested they go look at his new drum set in his bedroom and Balthazar accepted gratefully.  The atmosphere was still oddly tense and he desperately wanted to get somewhere quiet where he could figure out what the matter was. 

It didn’t take long.  As soon as the door was shut behind them, Damien grabbed him and began kissing him passionately.  Balthazar tried to join in, but the situation was so stressful and sudden that he couldn’t lose himself in the moment.  He felt awkward, tense, and not at all passionate. 

Damien pulled back, the glower back on his face. 

‘I knew it,’ he said. 

‘Knew what?’ asked Balthazar, genuinely puzzled. 

‘Look at this,’ said Damien, turning his head away as he pressed play on a YouTube clip open on his computer. 

Suddenly Balthazar was confronted with the video he’d shot with Pedro. Looking at it with a neutral eye, he could appreciate it was shot beautifully and that the colours worked well.  Pedro had always been good with the camera, he thought fondly, even when Ursula didn’t approve.  He could tell that their voices worked decently together and despite the occasional break in the music as he found his place on his phone, it all sounded pretty nice.  Always critical of his own work, he thought it was nothing earth-shattering, but nice enough. 

However, he knew none of that was what Damien was concerned about.  While Pedro looked relaxed and settled, Balthazar could see how stiff he himself looked -- all awkward and anxious.  In itself that wouldn’t be a problem, but combined with the looks – and the deliberate not-looking – it was.  He hadn’t hidden his feelings as well as he thought he had.

Fuck. 

‘Damien …’ he reached out for him.  Damien flinched away.

‘Don’t even touch me.  You sing a song with _him_ and post it on Christmas Day, of all times?’ 

‘What do you mean ‘him’?’ 

‘Oh, come _on_ , Balth.  I’m not stupid and I have eyes.  I watched your friends’ videos – I know about you and _him_.’ 

Balthazar blushed.  ‘Nothing happened.’ 

Damien turned his back, his unhappiness clear in every dejected line of his body. 

‘I know.  I know that.  But he wanted it to.  _You_ wanted it to.’ He waved his hand in the direction of the computer.  ‘And you obviously still do.’  

Balthazar grabbed Damien’s hand.  He pulled him around to look at him.  ‘I do care about him, yes.’  He caught a grimace on Damien’s face and kissed it away, determined not to let Pedro bloody Donaldson ruin this thing for him.  He and Damien worked together; he was happy, dammit.  He wanted to keep it that way.  ‘I won’t deny that I care.  But,’ he punctuated it with a soft kiss on his boyfriend’s lips, ‘that’s in the past.  I have you now.  I don’t care about Pedro the way I care about you.’  He felt a stab of guilt at the almost-lie.  He didn’t feel the same way; that was true.  But what he did feel was very confusing. 

‘Then why do the video with him?  You never sing with me.’  Damien’s voice was still petulant, but there was a wistful tone creeping in.  Balthazar gulped, wanting to avoid the idea of singing with Damien.  Singing with someone like that was too personal.  _Yeah?_   His inner voice sneered at him.  _If that’s so, why did you sing with Pedro?_  

Trying to quash both Damien’s fears and his own conscience, he added, ‘it was a thing … a way to get more of my music out there.  _And_ it was a dare.  Ben …’ 

‘Ah, Ben.  The ‘love god’ yes?’ a smile snaked onto Damien’s face.

Balthazar laughed.  ‘Yeah.  Pretty useless love god if you ask me.’ 

Damien looked slightly happier, and this time when he kissed Balthazar, he was able to respond.

 

By the time he left that evening, things were back on track between them.  But niggling at the back of Balthazar’s mind was the memory of being so close to Pedro again.  He had settled into a comfortable routine with Damien, even after just a couple of months, and the spark – the fire between them – had already burned down to an ember.  It had been different, and unsettling, being near Pedro again.  He used to think the heat he’d felt when they were together had just been wishful thinking based on his stupid crush.  But it had happened again, _and_ it was more intense than anything he’d felt for Damien.  Balthazar was suddenly conflicted – he didn’t want to go back to the time where he was pining over Pedro; he wanted to stay in the stable relationship he had found.  But on the other hand, the few moments with Pedro were enough to remind him of what he was missing.  And they hadn’t even touched. 

Damien was safety, stability, comfort.  He was a decent enough guy, and he was pretty much as not-Pedro as you could get.  Small, dark haired, musical, not even remotely interested in sports, and absolutely not part of their friendship group.  He was everything Balthazar had been looking for.  He very much wanted it to work, he wanted the safety and security of a relationship, and he cursed the day he let Ben talk him into singing with Pedro.  Because now everything was all up in the air, he was realising just how unexciting his life was, and he was beginning to regret things.  Just a little.

Damn.  

Damn Ben. 

 _Goddam_ Pedro.

 

Balthazar lasted a few more weeks, but eventually it became too much to bear.  He lasted long enough to know that the loss of the passion he’d felt on Christmas Day hadn’t been a fluke.  The connection between him and Damien was definitely shrinking, and his conscience began weighing on him.  He finally forced himself to front up to it. 

‘Damien …’ he began one day as they sat in his backyard. 

‘Mmmmm?’ 

‘I …’ Balthazar swallowed.  This was even harder this time – he felt like he’d been a callous bastard, leading Damien on.  He felt particularly terrible because this was exactly what had happened last time.  His stupid crush on Pedro had got in the way.  He sighed.  He forced himself to say the words, looking at his hands which were twisted awkwardly in his lap.  ‘I’m not sure this is working.’ 

He glanced sideways to see the vibrant smile on Damien’s face fade away, and his heart clenched.  He hated this.  _Why_ couldn’t he love this guy?  His life would be so much easier if he just could … 

‘Why?’ 

‘I don’t know.’  _Liar_ , his conscience mocked him.  _You know what this is about_. 

As if he’d heard the words, Damien said, ‘yeah you do.  It’s _him_.’ 

‘No it’s not.  I think it’s me; I’m just not feeling it anymore.’ 

‘You know he has a new lover every night, right?’  Damien’s voice was cold and angry, the harsh words filled with suppressed hurt and a desperate need.  ‘There are rumours, you know; he’s fucking his life up – it’s just gross and I don’t see how you could …’ 

Despite knowing that Damien was speaking out of a sense of hurt and rejection, Balthazar was hit by a sudden burst of anger.  For all Damien _had_ hit on his real reason for wanting to break up, Balthazar still found himself disgusted at this attempt to turn him against Pedro.  

‘I don’t care about the rumours.  This is _not_ about him.’ _Not anymore, anyway_ , he thought, before adding, fully understanding his own bitter spite, ‘but I’m beginning to remember why we didn’t work in the first place.’ 

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ 

‘You always did this.  You always had to drag things down to the nastiest possible level, judge people as harshly as you could.  Pedro’s love life has nothing to do with us.’ 

Damien’s face lost what little colour remained.  His voice when he spoke finally was resigned and defeated, which hurt Balthazar more than his anger had. 

‘Well, I can see you’re still wrapped up in him.  Go back to your moping, and good riddance, then.’ 

Damien stood up and stalked away.  Balthazar watched him go with a heavy heart.  If only he could have … what?  Made it work with someone he had no feelings for anymore?  That wasn’t fair to him – or to Damien.  Besides, that nasty streak _had_ always bugged him, even if he was feeling uncomfortable about how he’d just shot it at Damien.  He’d always just put up with it – until it became directed at Pedro.   

He snorted sadly.  Damien was right; he was too hung up on Pedro to be fair to anyone else.  He had to try, though.  He couldn’t go through life alone just because one guy didn’t want him.  But, he should probably try new people, try not to play it so safe.  Damien had been safe, familiar.  It would never have worked, as grounded in the past as it was.  Now he needed to face the future. 

Balthazar sighed.  What he really needed, he decided, was a new beginning somewhere else.  Maybe he should go to Wellington with Ben.  Auckland was filled with too many painful memories, and he could do uni down there just as well as here, so why not?  He carefully ignored the little voice that said he just wanted to be where Pedro was.  That had nothing to do with this – it was _all_ about that new beginning.  Yes.  He would start again.  A brand new him with a brand new life.


End file.
